Gregg Easterbrook on Kurt Warner and Super Bowl XLIII

At Raymond James Stadium on Sunday, when not watching the action or checking out cheer-babes, I will be nervously scanning the skies overhead, watching vigilantly for alien starcruisers decloaking. Pregame flyover pilots: If you see a fusion drive wake, be alert. You don't seriously think "Kurt Warner" is of this world, do you?

Tuesday Morning Quarterback began in 2000, just after an undrafted former Iowa Barnstormer and grocery-store bagger calling himself "Kurt Warner" went from unknown to Super Bowl MVP in a single season. I proposed there was no terrestrial explanation for this phenomenon. "Warner," I said, must be a shape-shifting space alien sent to Earth to distract us from the approach of an interstellar invasion fleet. Here's an authentic 2001 TMQ in which I both call "Warner" a space alien and debut the now-retired cognomen, the Arizona (Caution: May Contain Football-Like Substance) Cardinals. When no invasion fleet ever dropped out of hyperspace, I stopped making the Warner-as-alien claim, which was always somewhat thinly sourced. And my paranoia has diminished. If an alien invasion fleet dropped out of hyperspace today, they'd take one look at the U.S. national debt and gun the impulse engines to another more promising world. After "Warner" was shown the door by the Rams, then shown the door by the Giants, I began to think maybe he was a Homo sapien after all.

Now the Arizona Cardinals, led by "Kurt Warner," are in the Super Bowl. Now I realize his identity -- "Warner" is a Tralfamadorian. In several Kurt Vonnegut novels, the Tralfamadorians are an ancient super-advanced alien race that means no harm, but intervenes with lesser civilizations for amusement. Tralfamadorians look like walking toilet plungers. Many foibles of human history have been their doing, as are many features of Earth. The Tralfamadorians, for example, manipulated construction of the Great Wall of China so that its apparent random zig-zags, when viewed from orbit, spell out a naughty word in their language; Tralfamadorians find this hugely hilarious. The fate of humanity? That's pretty funny to them, too.

If you wanted to manipulate history such that a global practical joke was staged, you'd put the Arizona Cardinals into the Super Bowl. Thus I finally understand the true mission of "Kurt Warner" -- to ingratiate himself into our society and culture, set himself up in a completely impossible situation, then cause something that is amusing when viewed from orbit. The idea of the Arizona Cardinals in the Super Bowl is pretty amusing. And at this point, even Super Bowl parties can be viewed from orbit. If the Cardinals win the Super Bowl, it will become arguably the most improbable major victory in all of sports lore. Moments after the Lombardi Trophy presentation, expect a starcruiser to decloak and beam out "Kurt Warner" for return to his home world. Don't bother taking cell phone pictures -- the starcruiser will not appear on film.